Saturday saw an event that our glorious Terry Wogan once critiqued as being about “Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy”, that’s right! The cornucopia of culture, the blaze of brilliance that is the incestuously insidious Eurovision hit our international screens once again to remind us that music is not about rhythms and vocal tones, but of course, costumes and hairspray. And wind. Lots and lots of wind. The gust of farty breeze that accompanied every power ballad, blowing the hair and preposterous dresses of the so-called artists was enough to change the tidal currents for the next twelve years, by which time, the UK would still not have won Eurovision.
The first time in years actually watching the event, Eurovision this year was a vastly more enjoyable experience when surrounded by fellow alcoholic consumers in a giant cafe watching it on a giant screen. Seeing the show from the perspectives of many europeans made the competition all the more entertaining, almost as much as those new to the concept, such as Americans and Canadians’ responses when they realised that Eurovision’s basis is of course one of politics and brown-nosing. Mind you, given that the UK audience still seem to fail to understand this concept makes me impressed anyone else did. After all these years still, the BBC were flooded with complaints from viewers, disgusted that once again, we had failed to win due to the continental clique.
Ignoring the fact that our act was genuinely abysmally dull, UK viewers wishing the BBC to drop the event holds all the same logistical maturity as the kid who throws paint at his classmates because no one likes him. They’re answering their own question as to why they lost by wanting to drop out. Statistically, these complaints are from the same areas with the highest number of people from the UK who go to Malaga to get wasted in the sun, take Benidorm holidays or move out to Europe without integrating language or culture. And they wonder why the UK is unpopular? The only reason to drop the Eurovision would be financial, but with product placement and advertising, we make a profit each year. International ignorance of course isn’t the only reason we don’t win, having no bordering nations does influence decision, as does our political stance and history. Then there is of course the fact our acts are generally just shit. Eurovision is a world where dancing grannies and death metal gods are glorified, to approach it with any sense of pride over fun or sincerity above hilarity is counterproductive to the entire point of international relations. A grand night had by all, and heck, even if we didn’t win, at least we can be proud we beat America.